Saturday, February 2, 2013

Not trigger-free

Okay. I've decided I can't promise to make this a non-trigger-free zone. Because trying to make it completely, 100% trigger-free makes me feel like I have to censor myself a lot, and I shouldn't have to do that on my own blog. So beware: This blog may contain triggers. Read at your own discretion. (I'll figure out a way to put that on the top of the sidebar later.)

Not happy. Emotional. Angry, upset, feeling abandoned. I went to my sister S's Facebook today and discovered that I could see absolutely nothing but photographs. No status updates, no wall posts... NOTHING. I don't think it's an accident, either. It's too specific, what I can see and what I can't. Plus I can think of a few reasons which in her mind may all have added together and made her decide she didn't want me to see almost all her Facebook page.

So... yeah. Now I think she hates me, is pissed, and probably thinks I'm selfish and all that bullshit again. We fought during the time of my last hospitalization via text (she thought everyone "coddled" me in hospital, and if I was "going to end up there so often" I needed to just accept what they give me in terms of food and beverage, and other such shit), but Christmas Eve and Day seemed fine and so I thought things were fine. But I couldn't go to our usual Boxing Day gathering with Mom's relatives because I had been so stressed out by the last two days that another 6+ hours surrounded by people and noose would have driven me over the edge in terms of overwhelming stimuli and socialization. It is quite possible that she thought this was me being selfish again (aka being lazy and not going when I was quite capable of going, and should have because Aunt J would have wanted to see me and she just had surgery, and everyone else wanted to see me, and blah blah blah). She never bothers to ask about these sorts of things... she just assumes, then acts on her assumptions. She has done this on many occasions before.

She also knows, because I was actually honest with her and told her, that she could see everything on my FB except my personalstuff filter. I told her I wouldn't be putting her on the filter, but I did tell her the general gist of what I write in the filter. That could be factoring in as well. At this point, I honestly have no clue. I sent her an FB message asking why she blocked me from almost everything, but she hasn't responded yet.

Okay, I disappeared from this entry for a little while, and once I looked at my own Restricted filter... I realized that that's what she's put me on. WHY, I have no idea. I don't know what I did to warrant being put in her fucking RESTRICTED filter. But that little snotrag can feel the wrath, because she's now on MY restricted list, and so are my parents and her boyfriend. FUCK THEM ALL.

I'm so tired of having this family. I honestly think I would have abandoned them all a long time ago, aside from my sister T, except my parents do help me out with material things, and the contact is limited enough that I can handle it. S and I are either friends or in a massive fight, and I'm fucking sick of her shit. She can SUCK MY FUCKING COCK. And, no, I do not care that I don't have a cock.

Yeah. ANGER ANGER ANGER. But anger because I'm hurt, and it's easier to feel angry than hurt. I know this. But I think she deserves my anger, so right now she's getting it (although she doesn't know it). I assure you, I will probably be as diplomatic as possible IF she actually responds to my message. If she doesn't, I will text her. Or call her. Or call the parents, if she still refuses to talk to me. I will find out why she's pulling this asinine passive-aggressive bullshit. [Yes, I realize I became passive-aggressive back. But I can't let her see my shit if she's not letting me see hers. It has to go both ways. It's not fair if she gets to see my entire FB life, aside from a very few statuses and graphics, and I see squat of hers.]

1 comment:

  1. Dont worry about filtering... This is your blog after all. I would be P.O.'d too. Just remember to take care of yourself.