Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Another start over...

So I lost weight yet again... relapsing. But I'm trying very hard to get my food more normalized again, and I am hoping that when I do this the weight will take care of itself. I will follow my hunger cues as much as I can, though I'm aware they may be a little wonky at the moment, so I will also be trying to get the best balance I possibly can through meals and/or snacks.

So far, I have:
  • Stopped taking the energy pills (that also suppress appetite) for good. Yaaay!
  • Been having at least one full, well-balanced meal every day. Meaning a proper portion of protein, at least 2 grains, and either a fruit, veg, or dairy. Usually I end up having a dessert also because I'm still hungry (usually a chocolate bar or some cookies). My FAVORITE meal, which I've had at least 3 days in a row and am making again today, is my vegetarian chick'n breast with cheese and salsa on top, and brown rice with cherry sauce (and, yes, I cook it with the butter AND salt recommended!).

    I was wondering why I was craving the chicken and the salsa so particularly badly until I read that the chick'n breast has 80% iron, while the salsa has, for the portion I used, 10% vitamin C. I am currently iron deficient, and vitamin C helps absorb iron, so it makes TOTAL sense. As for the rice... well, I dunno, but apparently it has magnesium like mad? And lots of other nutrients as well. Basically, my body is desperate for nutrition. Well, I shall try to ensure that I receive it.
  • Been eating as much as I am hungry for every day, and I've been having breakfast as well as this supper meal, although my breakfasts are still a little skewed. (Today's was a chocolate bar and Carnation Instant Breakfast mixed in 2% milk... skewy, but I wanted the chocolate so bad, and the CIBs are actually quite tasty and filling, along with being nutritious.)
  • No exercise or anything... I don't feel up to it at this point, anyway. The super severe part of the anemia is gone (I'm not sleeping like 16 hours a day) but I still sleep 10-12, minimum, and I still need that much. Coming off the energy pills may have something to do with that also, although I've been feeling less tired since the first day or two since I stopped them. Fatigue was going to be a withdrawal "symptom" and I was ready for that part. It seems to be passing, which is good albeit expected.
  • I don't seem to want much coffee lately? Don't get that one, but if my body doesn't want it, maybe I shouldn't force it on myself. Most days I don't. Today I might just to feel more alert (I don't feel very alert). But even if I only drink half a cup I'll be happy, and it will still help. Plus I do half and half with flavored creamer and milk, so it's not totally calorie-less or anything. I do still use Splenda, but I probably will regardless of anything else. Same as I'll probably drink diet soda. But I'm trying to take the most important steps first, which are renourishment and feeding my hunger; I can work on the diet soda thing later. I would say it will be one of the last things to go.
So there you have it. Some honesty and some relative positivity. I didn't want to post here while relapsing because... well, you really only think about food and weight and calories and then once in awhile about how miserable you are, so that's not exactly an interesting read. But here I am again, and maybe I'll manage to stick around for awhile, and find something to write about that doesn't involve my disorders -- or, if it does, I will hopefully write about them in a more insightful or positive way, such as the above.


  1. It doesn't matter if your posts are positive or negative, they are what you're going through at the moment... Stepping onward and upward means having those relapse moments, and recognizing them while working on getting better. Which you are doing.
    Makes sense about craving chicken and being iron deficient. Rice has magnesium? Umm, I didn't know that. Cool...

    1. I know posts can be either negative or positive... but I don't want this journal to be all about ED, especially as it's public. I want to acknowledge my struggles but then MOVE ON from that sort of thinking. Thinking about all of that makes me obsess about it more, which digs me deeper into it. I guess this is the way I have to take my own head away from disordered thinking and back into the real world. Does that make sense?

      Also I have this weird thing about journals only being for either a certain topic or a certain "set" of topics... this one is pretty strictly set in my head to not include highly triggery or "in-it" posts regarding my disorders, but especially the ED, because the ED is the disorder I use to block everything else out. I see the emotional stuff (technically more tied to the BPD and/or depression and anxiety) as more "real" and therefore more okay to post here, because at least I'm not blocking out or numbing the way I'm using ED to do. I'm experiencing myself in my own emotions, and that part is okay. That part is what I WANT here.

      I hope I did manage to make some sense in that comment. Lol.